Wednesday morning. Clear skies and already 89 degrees. Jimmy was not pleased with how warm it was and cursed every single sheet on his bed, which ended up being only a single thin one by the morning. Heading downstairs he heard his mother calling from the breakfast table. Breakfast consisted of eggs and bacon, each extremely hot and difficult to eat. The stove on which these were cooked added a good 7 degrees into the kitchen and adjoining dining room. This was not a good way to start the day, thought Jimmy.
After the scorching breakfast Jimmy threw on some board shorts and short sleeve plain white shirt, hoping that the thin layers would help cool him down. There had to be a way to deal with the heat of one intense Summer. Once he opened the door he was immediately knocked down by a gust of pure, molten heat. However, Jimmy was on a mission and could not be stopped by a mere force of nature, so he ventured forth.
First thought was the pool. His home lacking one he headed over to a park which is frequently inhabited by urinating children. Jimmy, however, was willing to take that chance if it meant he could be cooled in even the tiniest amount. Upon arrival, however, something was very odd. There were people at the park, but there was nobody in the pool. Further inspection revealed to him that the pool gate was locked with a sign that said, "Water Stolen Sincerely, The Management."
"What the...." Jimmy muttered aloud.
Defeated, he quickly started to head back home, but was stopped when he saw a Rite-Aid. Ice cream!! Of course, it was so obvious! Rushing in Jimmy went straight for a scoop of his favorite, vanilla. He enjoyed the simplicity of it. However, once he reached the ice cream stand he noticed yet another sign: "Ice Cream Stolen Sincerely, The Management."
Well, then perhaps not a scoop but a whole container, so he rushed to where the cartons of ice cream are held. However, the exact same sign as before was taped upon the glass doors.
"This isn't fair," Jimmy thought. "How are these things stolen, I have to find them or else.....die? Yeah, I may die." It was just as soon as he finished this thought that he noticed something on the ground...something shiny. Jimmy was one to pick up shiny objects, and this was no different. It was a coin...but not an American coin. This coin was gold and green, and scribed upon it were the words, "Ai Laik Aik". Confused, Jimmy sauntered out of the Rite-Aid, hotter than ever, and staring at the coin.
He was no more than a yard away from the exit than he bumped into a tall man in a large, black trench coat. This bump was not unpleasant, however, for a cool breeze came over Jimmy when his body collided with the trench-coated man. This was the first refreshing sense Jimmy had received all day. Jimmy made his apologies to the man and started heading back home...or so he wanted the man to think. Curious about the breeze, he waited for the man to enter the Rite-Aid then Jimmy followed him, making sure not to be seen. Unfortunately, Jimmy had to try extra hard because his shirt was bright white and his shorts were of Hawaiian print.
Staying at least 3 yards behind the man, Jimmy harnessed his voice lessons and made sure to breathe deep, so the man would not hear his breath. All the way to the deli, Jimmy followed the tall and ominous figure, noticing along the way that there were no water bottles for sale, nor ice, nor anything of a cooling nature.
In the deli section, the man stopped, Jimmy stopped and hid, the man looked around. However, Jimmy was much too quick for him and the man noticed nothing. He then turned back around, while Jimmy took up his courage and peeked around the corner, staring. The man lifted his hand, and as it escaped from the trench coat, Jimmy noticed two things. One, that the man's hand was purple with golden fingernails, and two, that he dropped a coin into the salami section that looked similar to the one Jimmy found, yet it was also purple and gold.
A door opened! Where did this door come from? Who knows. But, once the man stepped in and the door closed again, Jimmy set out to re-open it and find out what is going on! In Jimmy's mind, 'Eye of the Tiger' started to play as he dropped the coin into the salami. He waited...then, the door opened once more. The door brought with it a breeze that chilled Jimmy to the very bone, yet did not make him cold. He stepped inside and descended the stairs.
Of course, Jimmy was no fool, so he crept along slowly always watching his front and back. Who knows who could be here or coming here. At the bottom of the stairs he found an alcove with a little hole in it, which was perfect for spying...almost too perfect. But, Jimmy actually was kind of a fool, so he snuck into there. What he witnessed was a horrifying, yet pleasant sight. There was a whole chasm of water, next to a whole chasm of ice cream, followed by an entire chasm of soda and other bottled drinks (such as water, juice, and V8).
Feeling cocky, and noticing nobody around, he decided to get some ice cream and perhaps a soda or two (or 5). Sneakily, Jimmy crosse the shadowy field and ended up right in front of the chasm of ice cream. There were sherbets, sorbets
and various creams. Indeed it looked like the most glorious chasm Jimmy had ever seen (though he hadn't seen very many chasms). He spent no time wasted on staring, however, and quickly started scooping various flavors into his mouth. Vanilla among them.
"Enjoying yourself?" whispered a voice that made him jump nearly out of his skin. For behind Jimmy was the man in the trench coat...but, not. This man's hands were silver and brown (gross looking).
"Carl! You let one in!" said the same man who froze Jimmy to the spot with terror.
Carl, the man with purple and gold hands, came up and said, "Oh....shit....."
Jimmy was in deep shit and he knew it. Before this the worse thing that had happened to him was accidentally getting an erection in gym. Which is embarassing, but not life threatening. Jimmy's mind raced and wondered what was gonna happen to him, but decided not run, like a sane person would have done. Instead he mustered up his courage once more and yelled (though in reality it was a voice-crackingly whimper), "Why did you still everything refreshing!?"
"My Boy," said Carl, who was clearly a douche, "that has nothing to do with you. Why don't you go home, forget about this, and play some Donkey Kong Country or whatever?"
"No! I'm hot and uncomfortable, and other people are as well! And, well, this is quite bullshit!" Jimmy couldn't even believe what he was saying. It felt like he was channeling Carol Channing or something. ALthough, who knows how much she cussed. Probably not a lot. So, maybe he wasn't channeling her. Who knows. But, he was fucked. He knew it. Carl knew it. Third guy knew it.
However, soon another, more soothing and feminine voice came from within the shadows. She was wearing a trench coat, but it was more form fitting. It made Jimmy think of that one time in gym....
"You found my coin, didn't you?" she asked Jimmy.
"What?" Jimmy sputtered, unable to articulate with his instant want of this voice. However, after a moment, he noticed her hands, which were green and gold. Similar to the coin he dropped in the salami.
"Holy shit! That was your;s!' Jimmy accidently splurted out.
"Yes, it was. I left it for someone to find. To be refreshed. To...never leave and stay with us."
"Well...I guess that means I can have ice cream?" Jimmy was losing all articulation and intelligbility...intellagibility...intelligent thinking (intelligibility isn;t a word, i think....wait, yes it is. Take the last spelling). The blood was flowing more and more away from his brain as the ominous female figure spoke (Jimmy is a freshman in high school). But, there was one thing that helped keep his mind focused. The Yoshi Story theme song (from the N64). It was so annoyingly adorable that once it popped into his head that the blood flowed staright back and he could confront the woman. This was a lesson that served him well in future years.
"Look! This is total bullshit! Also, it is impossible! How could you steal everything? There are people dying out there! Dying? Yeah, probably dying! Give it back!....Jerks!!!"
This intrigued the female (clearly the leader...am I right, guys!?). "Okay, but you must do one brave thing for me."
"Oh god," though Jimmy, "I'm not ready to give it up yet...although...."
"Ew! Not that!" Yelled the female, who seeemed to know what he was thinking (it was all over his face...that's what HE said!). "No, just, swim through this chasm of water! It's all pool water, don't worry."
"Wow, that seems simple enough!" said Jimmy, who was relieved.
"Oh, did I mentuon the man-eating sea cows? I could have sworn I did...mmhmmm."
Well this was it. The difference between man and not-man. Evolved and ape. Jumpman and Donkey-Knog. Felling it and not feeling it. Wow. This time, as Jimmy stepped up to the water, he heard chariots of fire in his mind. Dun na na na na na...ch ch ch ch....da na na na na....ch ch ch ch (you know how it goes....right!?). And he jumped in!!!
Ok, the problem was he only knew how to swim "correctly" from watching Michael Phelps at the Beijing Plympics. Really, he only knew how to dog paddle. Could this be the end of him? Probably not. It's my story.
He swam! Jimmy swam! There was some more swimming....
Oh god! He made it! There were no actual manittiees. of, rather, sea-cows!! They don't actually exist. It's a myth. The man-eating ones at least. All of this is what the female told him. Let's name her Esther? Because Esther is what the perosn is who gave the suggestion of the story. Yes. She should be in it.
Ok, so Jimmy passed throuhg. He went swimming. This was refreshing. Also, it wasn't urine water. Which made it more refreshing. Is it enough? Yes, I believe it is.
"That was enough, youn man," saif Esther (see!? I told you!). "That is great! How about more swimming?"
"No!" Yelled Jimmy! "Fuck that shit! Give the ice cream and ppool water and whatnot...Coke? sure! back to the people!"
So, that is how it came to be. Esther, passed her irrationalizing the whole "stealing ice cream" thing, she pushed it back to the mortal world. METROID IS PLAYING!!!!!! WOOO!!!! I have never finished a game of metoird. I should. Samus is hot. I write this while listening to lyric-less mucis. that should be music. right?
So, Jews dont steal ice cream. Dont go away with that thought. Jerks. Racists.
Jimmy came hom with ice cream. Perhaps more cream than ice (I'm looking at you! Jimmy robertson, not Jimmy Lundgren. We should get lunch some time Jimmy Lundgren. Talk about Dolph). Anywho! he came home with ice cream and pool water, and such. It was great, Maybe he got head. Who knows. Probably. I know! He did not. Becaues Juimmy did not do that well in sports. Once again, jerks. Nerd are cool.
So! again, this happened. Jimmy came home, nobody knew what he was diong. But, he saved the world. Except Ghana, because they beat the USA at soccer. A game we just picked up. I bet the Netherlands are gonna win. Suck it, Stefan!!! Anywho. Jimmy's life was normal once again. Maybe he became president of creepy trench coat wearing men. Maybe,...either way, he grew up to be Brack Obama. So, let that be lesson to you! You could not have ice cream at dire moments and then become president of the united states. Are you freaking happpy?!?! Because I added barack obama, I made this blog soooooooo much cooler. Jimmy died.....in 2091. Ok, time up.....FINALLY!!!!!